If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Joey bemoans his inability to lie convincingly, then this week's Apprentice will have ignited a flicker of recognition inside you. Whereas all of the US sitcom character's excuses for missing appointments seemed to feature various naughty raccoons hindering his progress, Chris - the most boring candidate in the history of The Apprentice - seemed unable to talk to a shopkeeper without weaving some mundane, unnecessary anecdote about a member of his family, all of whom seemed much more interesting than him, despite being generally fictional.
Comedy Double Act
In a stroke of genius, Jamie, team leader of Synergy, split his three man team so that he set off alone to find items from an obscure shopping list set by Lord Sugar. This left dullard Chris and over-exuberant manchild Stuart to form some kind of bizarre Yin and Yang double act, chasing round London in a whirlwind, with all the finesse and subtlety of the Tasmanian Devil, as they hunted their booty.
Apprentice Treasure Hunt
It was the annual task that turns the series on its head. Whereas up until now the candidates have been trying their hardest to sell items, this week they had to buy ten objects as cheaply as possible, with only the barest of information as to what it is they're actually meant to be purchasing. Cue the business world's version of the Chuckle Brothers harassing every antique magazine retailer in London for a military journal called Blue Book, when they were meant to be buying a training guide for the taxi driver's Knowledge examination. When they eventually realised this, Chris pushed for a discount on the books by insisting that he needed them to give to his brother who was taking the test but who had loaned him the guides, which he had then lost. As lies go it was awful on many levels; it didn't really make sense, it was needlessly overcomplicated and, finally, the presence of a television camera and crew who would get the shopkeeper to sign a release form agreeing to let the footage be used on The Apprentice, must have given them an inkling as to the real reason behind the plea for a discount. However, it worked. They succeeded. Perhaps his monotone drawl lulled them into a catatonic state in which they would agree to anything, they certainly didn't do it for cheap advertising, I doubt there'll be a rush on at the Blue Book retail outlet any time in the next two weeks.
Kilt Making
It wasn't the only yarn that Chris span, Jamie had advised them that in order to maximise their discounts, they needed to have "a story" and Chris had loads. While trying to strike a deal for some tartan, he once again eschewed the opportunity for a straightforward tale, instead opting for a convoluted explanation of how he had to attend a Scottish wedding at the weekend and needed to take the material to his grandma who wanted to make a kilt out of it. If his grandma can knock up a kilt in a day then he shouldn't be working for Alan Sugar, but rather masterminding a cottage industry, churning out traditional Scots clothing by the bucketload. His stories sounded less like genuine pleas for discounts and more like the ramblings of the bloke in your office who always tries to describe his dreams to you.
Cheap Jewellery
Jamie took a slightly different approach to bartering. Rather than engaging his victims in a web of deceit he badgered them into submission. One jewellery shop owner seemed to get so irate with his constant, machine gun requests for a ridiculous amount of money off a traditional Indian trinket that he relented just so he could see the back of him.
Sourcing The Items
This rough and ready approach was in complete contrast to the girls who sat for two hours, ringing round retailers, making sure they knew what every piece on the list was and where they were stocked. Team leader Liz figured that, with fines being dished out for each unpurchased item, it was better to buy all ten at a slightly higher price than to get a good deal for some and incur the charges of £50 plus the list price of the item for those that they missed. Great in theory, but this is The Apprentice where logic carries little credence. She hadn't accounted for the sheer cheek of the boys in bludgeoning the RRP of everything that they actually managed to find. Even with their fines for the missing goods, the boys still won the day thanks in part to this sheer brass neck and some poor negotiation from the girls.
Truffle Shuffle
On the hunt for a white truffle, Stella decided that they should source it from a restaurant (eek) in Knightsbridge (double eek). Despite Laura knowing that a truffle should be £2000 per kilo, when told that the restaurant could let them have 56 grams, she immediately started the bidding far too high at £200.
It was not only a display of poor maths but also against the wishes of Liz who had told them to call her with a price before they agreed the deal. Mind you, Laura was perhaps confused as Liz had actually asked for a "ballpoint figure" rather than a "ballpark figure", but she chose not to raise this in the boardroom where her poor recent performance was given as the reason that she was fired ahead of Stella and Liz.
Treat Weekend Trip To Paris
Once again Laura had been a complete misery throughout the show, she really has been the Incredible Sulk since the beginning, but now she has good reason. Her mood can't have been lifted either by the footage of the boys on their task winning treat trip to Paris, complete with cheesy grins, ridiculous shades and champagne breakfast. Truffles not included.
